Owls, Team America (f. yeah), and the corporate promised land

A brief stretch of the routine life in a summer of travels. Wake up at 9:30; angrily give directions to clueless cab drivers; make like a paparazzi and ambush Aussie athletes. Three mildly interesting places I've been to lately:

Hooters



"We are hooters, hooters of Beijing..." Fake birthdays abounded.

USA House

U.S. athletes' "home away from home." Country club-like setting with multiple open bars, a Wii lounge, lakeview terraces, masseuses, uniformed waiters, floor-to-ceiling windows and a Team USA souvenir shop reminiscent of a college bookstore, with all prices indicated in U.S. dollars. Complete with an enormous wall-sized photo reprint of U.S. athletes marching in the opening ceremony in their Ralph Lauren. Proved that Americans can be just as analcratic as the Chinese when guards barred me from re-entering, twice, after I took several steps outside the premise to take photos of the building's exterior. Which I was made to delete. Fries with your elitism?



(Waiters set up something in front of said photo reprint; Team USA store)

Olympic Green

Enormous outdoor plaza just north of Bird's Nest. Hardly green. A veritable Disneyland of transnational corporations, in fact. Companies like Coca-Cola and Lenovo set up multimillion-dollar pavilions with interactive exhibits, visual marvels and plenty of photo-ops to let Olympics visitors "experience" their brands. Lights everywhere, music everywhere, lights that play music everywhere. Walmart-sized Olympics souvenir "Super Store" made me about 3,000RMB poorer (come on, limited edition pins? EBay!). Not overcrowded and unpleasant like other Chinese tourist sites because government only allows ticketholders to Olympics events or those with day passes doled out on an invitational basis.

Which brings me to my next story of how I bargained for a day pass onto the Green. I arrived at the gate at about 7:30 p.m., which is 30 minutes after the day pass is supposed to expire. I found a guy hawking one, and the following conversation ensued:

how much? 100. 20? 35 and you have a deal. come on that's only a 15rmb difference. 35 is final. (feign walk-away) fine, 25. okay but you're coming with me to the ticket entrance so i know i can still get in. trust me you can. (pumps chest) so just come with me, it's only a 2 minute walk. no no no. fine take it for 20. i'd rather give you the extra 5 for you to come with me. it's too far. how about 10rmb? that just tells me that i can't get in anymore. are you calling me a cheat? i swear on the lives of my two sons that you can still use the day pass. i will kill them with my own hands. okay i don't want you to kill your kids, i just want to get on the green. FINE just have it. what? really? remember my face because if you get in, next time you see me you have to call me uncle.

So that's the story of how I got a free day pass and a new uncle.

WATCH: ridiculous waterfall outside the GE pavilion

Crazy part starts at around :30. Hypnotized anyone who walked by. "Iiimmmaaagggiiinnnaaatttiiiooonnn...huan...ying..."








(Lenovo Showcase; Kodak/Coca-Cola pavilions; musical light pole; enormous McDonald's next to taiko-themed escalators; inside said McDonalds; Volkswagen monstrosity; sea of pins in Super Store)